Monday, January 31, 2011

my first fight

i had my first fight with a friend.
it was my first one in a while.
i didn't like it.

i hated that feeling that came over me.
i hated not knowing what to do next.
i hated not knowing where "we" were gonna go
if we were gonna make it out with our friendship in tact.
i hated it.

and it still bothers me.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


i'm having lots of troubles sorting things out - my emotions, my feelings about school (to split or not to split), my feelings about friends, about my body, about everything. i hate how the world seems to stop until my quizzes are over. no responding to friendly emails, minimal hanging out, maximum alone time (until i crack and hang out with a np friend), lots of library visits, eating alone. it all gets tiresome. today, it's thursday and i can't wait for it to be monday at 10AM. everything's just dragged on and tiring. i have to decline invititations, attempt to keep myself off facebook and youtube, and just focus on my school work. it takes a lot of effort and sometimes, i just want to stop.

i've also realized that i'm a pretty bitter person. probably, more bitter than most people expect of me. sometimes, i want to stop and smell the roses. other times, i wonder what the hell's the point? they're just roses! it makes me wonder if i'm missing the point. not appreciating life at this moment or that moment. how can i if i'm so stressed? i have a lot riding on the next quiz and i don't like it. maybe i'll end up with performance anxiety. maybe my fate for school, for this year, will be decided for me and i won't have to think/stress about these things anymore. i just want to relax again.

funny, you thought i was always so calm and composed. turns out, you never really know...