mom asked 8 yo son if his adhd meds were working "i like them. i fell asleep and it's like when i wake up, God took me apart and put me back together the right way." how precious! i never know how i feel about meds and medicating so young but clearly they work. i dont think i was that aware of my body and what made me feel better or worse at 8 but i guess if there's a difference, you notice.
today was a good day at on doc. i did a 12 yo physical but forgot a few things - like looking in her ears (went back to do that!), looking for her red reflex and optic disc/arteries. whoops! but i got most other things. it was my first physical so pretty good for first time! every now and then, though, i feel like i need to push myself more to be perfect.
sometimes, i just feel like perfect is unreasonable though..
dear newspapers, TV news, internet news, etc., PLEASE stop calling haiti "the poorest nation in the western hemisphere!" i'm pretty sure we've all understood that by now. sincerely, an angry haitian
in all honesty though, is it necessary? i don't think i've read an article about haiti that hasn't included that. it gets frustrating and it also makes me sad. i remember reading an article in 10th grade for french class and that was the first time i saw that and it struck me. it hasn't stopped. obviously, haiti still isn't doing all that well but i don't know if that reminder is necessary. are you trying to make the us look better? remind americans how good we have it? are you trying to get people to help? i just don't get it! it bothers that the only thing people probably think of when they think of haiti is poor, earthquake, and voodoo. how sad!
i'm having lots of troubles sorting things out - my emotions, my feelings about school (to split or not to split), my feelings about friends, about my body, about everything. i hate how the world seems to stop until my quizzes are over. no responding to friendly emails, minimal hanging out, maximum alone time (until i crack and hang out with a np friend), lots of library visits, eating alone. it all gets tiresome. today, it's thursday and i can't wait for it to be monday at 10AM. everything's just dragged on and tiring. i have to decline invititations, attempt to keep myself off facebook and youtube, and just focus on my school work. it takes a lot of effort and sometimes, i just want to stop.
i've also realized that i'm a pretty bitter person. probably, more bitter than most people expect of me. sometimes, i want to stop and smell the roses. other times, i wonder what the hell's the point? they're just roses! it makes me wonder if i'm missing the point. not appreciating life at this moment or that moment. how can i if i'm so stressed? i have a lot riding on the next quiz and i don't like it. maybe i'll end up with performance anxiety. maybe my fate for school, for this year, will be decided for me and i won't have to think/stress about these things anymore. i just want to relax again.
funny, you thought i was always so calm and composed. turns out, you never really know...
a few nights ago, i decided to stalk a friend or follow or read or whatever you want to call it. i got to a few blogs where i knew exactly what this person was talking about. then, i found a post that could probably pinpoint the day we started talking.
a lot of the time, i think that people don't care what i say. that i'm nice to talk to in the moment but i'm not memorable, nor are my conversations. but people somehow manage to surprise me. sometimes, i matter and it shocks me. of course, it is nice to know that i do matter. it also made me realize that i ALWAYS need to watch what i say. no matter how mean, how angry, how nonchalant, how emotionless, or how much of an emotional wreck someone is, I need to always show compassion. at the very least, be myself. i find i can say some shockingly mean and hurtful things and i don't like it. every now and then, i look in the mirror and don't like what i see. i need to change that.
it's interesting to see how funny things can change your life. an all nighter with someone i thought was quiet now has me a friend who won't shut up. and he does exactly what i hate, which is challenge everything i say. do you believe in soulmates? why? what is love? how does society treat it? why does therapy matter? sure, ask someone that who thinks she wants to be a psychiatrist. he seriously had me thinking i didn't want to do it for life if i had someone talking to me like that day in and day out. i wanted to give up and not answer his questions, i was very frustrated. but he managed to get me to push through.
in the end, he said something along the lines of i think you've changed my life.
kinda profound. maybe psych can stay as a potential field!
i'm also shocked at how quick i am to trust people. i guess people never cease to amaze me.
i've been working out, although not consistently, so i could be all "bikini ready"... in the fall/pre-winter. but my body/the scale is not cooperating. oh well. supposedly, charlie likes me for who i am. right? o__o
tonight was gymnastics and it was fun, of course. we worked on back handsprings (on mat with yuriy spotting us and on the tumble track) and front handsprings onto a mat. yuriy's ukranian! i'm glad i found out without having to ask him. he's a cool guy. he randomly did one of those handstand thingies that guys can do on the parallel bars and then decided to do a standing back tuck i think. jo ling's so graceful on her front handsprings and i think i just muscle them around. hmmm.. nastia/shawn anyone? hopefully i don't run like shawn! she then taught me the beam routine after i worked on my bars. i can do a pullover, cast, back hip circle. i worked on my single leg cut backward. it's crazy how fast you go. i can only imagine how the olympians feel, it must really feel like flying.
less than 2 weeks to hawaii! can't wait!!!! and yet i'm scared at the same time, but life goes on.
one of my top 10 favorite songs of all time. i used to sing it when i had to swim the 200 fly... long course. that last lap, oh man! it's like the wall gets further and further away with each stroke!
It's just those rainy days Spend a lifetime tryin to wash away Until the sun come out and shines again Smile for me, smile for me
All of those rainy days Spend ya lifetime tryin to wash away Until the sun shines and I see your face Smile at me, smile at me
We were always livin so crazy and sexy and cool And we began to love it Watchin all of the heartache and pain of the world And thinkin nothin of it And baby I got love for you And I know that you got me, baby But everytime the sun shines bright It gets so cloudy
Nobody loves the rain Can't stand it We know we've seen it before Baby, handle it Baby, what did we tell ya before About chasin those waterfalls
Sometimes the rule don't mind the rain It kinda feels like I'm drownin in the Lords pain Until the sun comes out and shines again Smile, and give me reason to keep believin That everything ain't misleadin And I, kiss the clouds on them rainy days And, smile for you when ya skys are gray Babe, cuz I'm a tear drop away from crying And a few shots away from dying Dear Lord, would you shower my pain Let it rain, let it rain on me While I cherish the air I breathe I'm an angel, that can't soar, can't fly And I, mastered it Lord knows why
I feel like an angel With my broken wings So I can soar again Lord let me in Baby through all the passion the pain and the hurt I feel like I'm fallin, yeah Makin clothes for all of those that Spread love And for those who can't take it Stand up Baby, we gonna make it In the words of Marvin Gaye War is not the answer
Til the sun shines Just smile for me Know in your heart, that we are free Free to believe, whatever we feel So feel somethin real, baby
i've decided that i want to go to haiti for the summer. it's not school-related, it's me related. i loved france so much and it was my first time out of the us (depending on whether or not you count puerto rico). i think i should go back. back to somewhere i've never been. who knows, maybe i'll find my long lost twin haha :)
another quiz weekend coming up. i can't focus long enough to study, i mean it is friday. i might go to jl's and get a bit of work done. i want to finish biochem and that last cto (aka histology) lecture so that tomorrow i have physio and anatomy to look over and then i can start actually studying and memorizing. it's funny how after more than 2 months i still don't have a study schedule down. oh well.
finals are coming up and the stress level is slowly rising, mine and my classes. it was bound to happen but i don't like it. i want one more post-quiz party. i want more good times BUT i also can't wait for thanksgiving break. it couldn't come soon enough. i'm getting so frustrated with my roller coaster of emotions, stress from this test, stress from finals, and just trying to stay positive. oy.
dear rollercoasters, normally, i love you, but this roller coaster i want to get off of. please? k. thx. bai!
